Five Questions for Me

These come from Timothy J. Lambert, co-author of The Deal (a delightful novel which I've just re-read) and several other novels (many of which are winging their ways to me from Amazon).

1. In a room upon a high shelf rests a box. Inside is the one thing that will make your life perfect. Do you open it, and if so, what's in there?

I'd like to say that I wouldn't, because the fun of life is in the surprises and all that bullshit, but I know myself better than that. I'm the one who snuck into my dad's home office to peek at all my Christmas presents -- even swapping out new comics with ones I'd already owned for a while.

2. The producer who's making a movie based on your life is on the phone and wants to know which Cole Porter song to use as the title track for the film. Which song do you advise him to use?

"Where Are the Men?" from Anything Goes

3. Oh no, you died. You're being considered for sainthood. You'll be the Patron Saint of...what?

Unfortunate Attraction to Straight Guys

4. Isn't it romantic? If so, what is it? If not, what would make it romantic?

It's not. "It" is a vague antecedent. ... OK, if I must, a nice, home-cooked dinner for two.

5. Mom Cher told us what she'd do if she could turn back time. What would you do if you could turn back time?

Not take that last shot of Tuaca from the plastic penis shot glass on my birthday.